Study, study and study

Yes! study it is! and a must. I've been missing a lot of my school subjects lately since i've been absent for too long so now i have to catch up. I have to admit.. it's quite fun. Never thought of it, that i would think it will be entertaining cause i've always been bitching about how much i hate school and stuff. Huh, ironic right? but right now, everything's quite okay, except for the fake ones in school though. My dislike for them will never shed away. 

On to my studies now! 

Dissappear..

How embarrasing... i want to die and to be perished from this world. Why do i always become like that ? destroying everyone's mood.. They've just arrived and i once again started acting like a lame shithead in front of everybody. Even though i promised to myself, that i would hold it in.
I hate myself and i just hate how i am. Why can't i ever change ? Why can't i ever stop being so melancholy and sensitive. It's just so darn heavy for me, being like this.

It just pained me seeing my father so thin, but still seems happy. Just thinking about me being there instead of that person only made it worse. I began shedding tears and it was so stupid. Why couldn't i be there at that moment.. everyone i love dearly is slowly drifting away. I'm so madly depressed that i want to disappear. Someone please, i can no longer take it... please make it go away..

Tired, sweaty and satisfied

30 min cardio today! 10 mins of buns workout, crunches, push-ups and weight lifting also. Wow, i'm so tired and sweaty. Doing that everyday feels soo great. Got headache after the morning workout though, ain't good. Maybe cause i only ate one bread for breakfast, but i'm trying to lose weight, so morning exercises is best for that! and better too if you don't eat so much.

Well, i shall rest now and drink my gainomax recovery, and then i'll go for a walk later and burn some more calories!

Some of that bellyfat will soon be gone!

Stronger

Wow! a new fresh start. Feeling a lot better at some point. Have been eating healthier and doing workouts. And to walk everyday is very fresh and it feels great. Hope that i will soon begin to tolerate the eff school. Going back ain't really entertaining, but what the heck. I should fight right ?

My goal this year and onwards, is to feel a lot better about myself, be stronger, healthier and reduce some weight since i gained some kilos.. nope, not good. But hell, it will be gone soon!

The not-fun part is that when i go back, there will be a lot of studies for me to catch up to. But i'll fix that too! I shouldn't think negatively all the time... i mean, people snickering and people staring just mean that their jealous and unbelievably immature right ? Then. Fuck them. I just hope that i'll manage to be stronger. Which i'm intending to be, and to do.

Today's calorie burn(walking): 325cal
Steps: 11717

Unwanted

Depression.. frustration.. taking over again. Feeling unwanted, and the no passionate love is beginning to occur. I'm probably selfish, but what should a girl do in this kind of situatuion. Sadness is the leader of my mind right now. Blocking every positive feelings.. And there i go again with the negative thoughts. I know.. i'm stupid and complicated. But to be honest, i never want to be in a relationship that will eventually, in our lifetime, be gone, or shrink in any way.. i  want to receive true, dedication and motive love from the other.. and i want it to forever maintain special. Yes. I am asking too much once again. There is no way such love exists. I'm probably  overreacting as usual. I should just let it flow.. and just go with whatever will happen. 

Muscle pain

Today's meeting went well. Just discussed a bit of my future, and how we will solve my situations. I gotta' say.. they still don't understand. But i understand their solutions, but i don't really see sense in them. But we shall see.. next meeting will be with my mom. After the meeting, i went home with Billy and made dinner, and then just relaxed. 

But i must say.. my whole body is sore. Wow. I can't barely move lol. Even though my body hurts as hell, i still did workouts, so i'm quite satisfied. I ate lots of fruits today, but i didn't really eat much food, which ain't good.. I ate Pyttipanna for breakfast, for you other countries that doesn't know what it is, it's a dish that consists potatoes, onions and any kind of meat or sausages and it's pan fried, usually served with egg and pickled diced beetroot and it's yummy good! 

Then i ate tacos for dinner, and i didn't even eat much of that either.  I ate only.. a half portion i think. I wasn't really that hungry today. 

Then i did a bit of cardio workouts, and buttocks and core workouts. And i must say, it feels very good! even though feeling lots of muscle pains ^^

Now, onto the bed and tomorrow's workout!

New cycle

What a good feeling, to once again start doing something to oneself. I trained, walked and jogged and did a workout. I gotta say, it feels very good. My body feels refreshed again. Earlier i felt like a fat bun, feeling sick about myself, not doing anything. But now, once again, i'm starting a new cycle. My goal is to be thinner and have a flat belly. Yes.. can you belive it.. i've gained weight for the past few months. Now i will melt it! and of course, i would like to stay in shape all the time too, and to have a good body condition. And to maybe, be happier.
My ears are still cold and my legs are kinda' sore, and i still have a bit of pain from yesterday from the workout. That will change in a moment.

Will be wonderful later when i go to bed, will be sleeping like a rock. Then tomorrow.. i will be going to the meeting.. ain't really looking forward to it. But what the heck.

Vaccination

This morning, i was at the Vet at my friend's school. Must confess, a couple of students sticking my dear Bonsi with a needle wasn't really a fair sight. If your wondering why the students did the sticking, was because the school was an animal teaching(vet) school, or what do you call it? and that's kind of things they get to learn there. But a student doing the vaccination, wasn't really that fine for me... but oh well. They were at least much better than the Vet we were at before. Hated that shitty bastard, we got to pay 300 SEK when he only checked  Kokos walking and checking her heartbeat when we though that she was suffering from worms, due to her stomach increasing size. And when we took them to the school, they checked everything, which was great.

But there was this problem. They haven't got enough vaccine for my Kokos. So it was just Bonsi today, who got to do the vaccination. Pity, really. It was quite unnecessary to drive all the way to Gamleby when the vet teacher told us that she would come to Västervik next monday, so we could continue on with Kokos vaccination. The really good thing though, was that it costs 200 SEK for two cats at the school, compared to when you go to the real vet, it costs 600 SEK for two cats. 

Well, lucky us! :)

I got a pair of tired kittehs when we got home..

Refreshed

What a wonderful feeling. The dark shells that was blocking me has perished. Or at least one section of my problems. It feels good to be bonded. But my heart is still aching from the disappointments.. but they're at least better, and i'm glad. I hope that this will last forever, and i hope that i will dare to face the consequences that i will make for myself from now on. I just hope that everything will be pitchy now.

Changes..

The sadness is too strong. It's difficult not thinking about all the things that is occurring in my surroundings. I feel like i can cry floods for eternity.. Never have i felt so deplorable in my life. Changes really came fast. My closest family member and my best friend, is leaving me.. Thinking that everything's changed, just makes me so sad and unhappy. She is now very happy at this moment, with a person who is not me, experiencing everything we have left off since childhood. Not experiencing the first time with her.. just wouldn't be the same anymore. I am no longer the most important one, and i understand that..

I am sorry for being selfish once again. Maybe growing up really means that someday, your closest loved ones.. will leave you one day.

Corrupted world

I'm not certain anymore. Please take me to a spiritual world, o' mighty someone. Or the other side, if it exists. It would enlighten my soul. This corrupted world has turned me deranged. How did it become like this. Has my spirit weekend by the humans i hate?

I shouldn't say so. Not all humans are evil. Though those who has caught my eyes, has been. All those glares, staring upon me. Those whispers, and shouting has brought me to my knees. Running was the only choice i made for myself.. and still doing. I'm not looking for conflicts. That's one of the most disgusting things that ever exists. It's like a virus, spreading in the humanity. Like all the other occurring things that is also deeply carved in the humanity. Rightly to say; racism, boasting, greediness and selfishness etc. We are all informed that those systems, will never die. It's sad indeed, but what can we do. Even if there is other people who wants to make a change, the majority still wins..

For example, if you think back to the things they were before, how was the world then. It sure is won't be the same as it is now. If you look back thousands of years ago, weren't the world peaceful then? The animals that existed then, wouldn't have been gone today. It's sad that us people, are even considering about the fortune we make, by killing living things. It doesn't make sense to me. Or the World War that occurred years ago. What will we earn from killing other people? Is it really pride? Seriously... fuck pride.

All people of color has the same rights, and same values. And all livings thing is a part of us, animals and the beautiful nature, which others cannot see..is slowly dying. We shouldn't kill living things like monsters. We should just consider about how we can survive. Yes, killing animals is also a big necessity to us in order to survive...but we shouldn't do that because of greediness or fortune. The world is better of without it.

Hell

Hell will soon start again.. i'll be meeting lots of people which i ain't really seeing forward to. Well, time to pucker up. Will be counting days till my next holiday, which is in about... 6 weeks.

Even though everything's shitty, i still have my Disney movies to watch. I'm at that period right now. Don't ask.

Onto Mulan!

Disney review

Just seen Puss in Boots. I gotta say, it was a great movie. I didn't expect it to be that good. I love how they made the plot good this time. Usually the Disney movies nowadays has this, different atmosphere that is not as epic, compared to other Disney classics like Pocahontas, Mulan and The Little Mermaid etc. I'm usually not as fond in computer-animated Disney. I prefer old Disney classics like Pocahontas, which is my favorite Disney movie. I feel like they don't give out good messages from the Disney movies anymore. They only repeat them, constantly. But i do like computer-animated too, but not as much. I mean, i love Tangled a  lot.

Continuing: I love how they made Humpty Dumpty and Puss as partners, which is unexpected. Humpty as an egg, is different from Puss who's a cat, and in my opinion, it made the movie special because of that. But also because of the companionship, trust and humor they had in the film. But well y'know.. that's just my opinion. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you should watch it! 

Broken bonds

I can't help but feel worthless and melancholy. Worthless about how really puny i am in every situation. Meaning me"myself" is twisted. I detest my own self in the condition. Not daring to express herself, because of the consequences. 

Feeling viscous and hatred towards everything. I can no longer connect to those i love. Disappearing, is what i feel right now.

Melancholy of how everything's turned out. The ones i love has proceeded. Even though they may not yet seen it, or.. maybe they know. Two parts of me has gone away. Far, far away. Nothing is ever the same, and there is no similarity anymore.

She no longer recognizes me, and he is no longer here. She has a more important person to be with, and he has chosen another life for himself. Childhood memories are deeply carved in me, and it is now contained empty.

There is really just me in the end, and deeply in my heart.. i know that those times, will never come back.

Divulged feelings

Having plain-phobia.. this ain't good. The paranoia is overwhelming. I'm wishing for the best safety for my sister, who took off this morning to our homeland. The hot country, where the people is a bit different than us. Meaning, they have no longer clue, who we really are, or how we really are.

The plain journey is killing me, but i'm hoping for the best, and all safety i can think off. 

I will have to admit. Jealousy over her going home, is nerve-wrecking. I also, haven't been home in eleven years. 
Well.. guess you can't help it if your poor. It will have to wait.

At ease

Feeling unwell.. good to have comrades who's too cute, that makes all one's shitty problems go away. Sometimes, i do feel like a kid being taken care of her catsies, which ain't a bad feeling. Sometimes it's good to be the one being sympathized. Every guilt goes away by a single paw, and it feels like your at ease every time. Does that sound cliche?.. then be that as it may.

The sweetest creatures you will ever encounter

Tiresome day

The day started with me going to the doctor for a check up. If your wondering, it's about my shitty, bothersome stomach. This time i was gonna be sure to "properly" have it checked up. The former doctors i've had before totally sucked... The only things they said to me was, "unfortunately, you have a sensitive stomach, and there's nothing i can do about it". Well good for me to have a painful stomach for the rest of my life then. 
Just sayin'. It's a very stupid comment. They didn't even do tests..

But today, i got tested.. The doctor was very nice. His name was the most unusual swedish name i had ever heard. I can't remember his first name, but his surname was "Kyrling". His name kinda had some church'ness feeling to it. Just because it reflects from the swedish word "Kyrka", meaning church.

He gently talked to me about what was going on in my life, both physical and psychological. It was quite nice to talk some things out actually. At that moment, it felt good to talk to someone.

I had my blood pressure, and blood test taken. And seriously... NEVER in my life have i experienced so much blood coming out of me. The young lady from the lab took about, 8 tubes of blood from me. It was weird. She said that usually, 8 tubes of blood was nothing compared to when you donate blood. I was like oh.. okay then.

However, i did okay at the hospital. It was a nice visit. I will visit there again sometime soon. Then later on this day.. me and Billy had to help his mom to move out into another apartment. It was very tiresome. I had to clean her refrigerator and other things at the kitchen, then we carried a lot of stuffs. We ate dinner at about, 6 pm. Billy's mom ordered chinese food for four person, when there was actually seven of us. But the food was enough for us all. My stomach was so satisfied that i got stomach ache. Then i got this biggest headache, and i had to lie down, but i didn't.. cause' i wanted to help more. I also got this this pukey feeling that i always have, just that it was much more worse. The results after all the work was that my health got worse, and now i'm so deadly tired. Me and Billy are planning to sleep soon too. Presumably.. we'll be sleeping like a rock.

We have to recover our master strength! At least till tomorrow, then we must continue.... hell.  

Stupid people

I'm so fucking mad. It's hella lot it's scary. Why can't just people be reasonable ? No one ever thinks about their actions and how it affects others. And their taking their interests before important things. Like come on, excuses? Yeah right, they always come up with excuses. Sometimes the excuses may be understandable, but "just" unreasonable.

The point is, no one ever thinks about anyone, or anything besides themselves.

Why can't there ever be anyone who's considerate?

Talking clothes

Shit.. i gotta go shop. Since when did i last do that? ... oh right, it was a looong time ago. I don't even think that I've been in the outside world, meaning; (socializing world with a big crowdy people, rightly saying, shopping malls or shops..) for a very long time.  And my instict is telling me to go buy some new clothes and these ones, i gotta tell you, they just connect with me. 

I'm so very in love with these dresses;

Green dress with cats on it, yes... gotta have it!
And in case you didn't know, I totally love cat prints

This is just purely beautiful dress! A perfect summer outfit for any occasions, don't you think?

Nightmares..

I'll tell you guys something. Nightmares ain't fun. Having dreams about the world ending isn't really a positive sign. I've dream about it alot of times, wonder what's it's telling me?

Some says that it "does" mean that the world may be ending soon, but heck.. really? well hope not.

Maybe it's just me who's thinking about it. Like.. the thoughts are "deeply" engraved inside my brain. Maybe i kind of got traumatized by the 9 11 incident. Well that was really something.. that's something very serious that has happened in humanity.

Fuck the terrorists!..

The explosions was purely bizarre..

Peckish for food

Woah, i'm so untrained (and so hungry). I spend my mornin' with a walk to the store. I was gonna buy an ingredient to my cooking, but unfortunately it was closed. Then i started feeling heat going through my legs, haha. So untrained.

Waah, i'm peckish for this food! Sinigang is the best food ever. Billy agrees with me, right hun?

Dreary weeks

Dreary weeks it has been, indeed. Feeling swoony from the reflections of all the artificiell folk from my surroundings. 

Having flashbacks of ma' old days ain't really entertaining. Hell it has been. Falling to the depths of my depression, this has gone way too long. The neverending hell.. or so it feels.

Having teenage experience is one of the most disturbing and disgusting thing that all of us humans has to go through. It isn't really my ideal goal of saying, im growing- and well "that's just the way of life". Sure it is. But still .. disturbing and disgusting.

Three weeks of absence from school, now that's just wrong. Oh yeah what's wrong? that may be a question.

Well the answer is... stress, bullying experiences and of course. The so-called false and disgusting people. Now.. ordinary and no-problem folks will consider this such as.. a little problem. Well hecky good for them i'd say. It may be an easy problem yes. But only if you're strong enough. Well i'm just an old weakling and that's just the ultimate fact. I'm an isolated teenage girl with her boyfriend, who's only not nice but sweet as well, and he's the last and only person i'm intending to get help from. Now you may call me, a poor person. 

The depression is slowly taking over me. Soon, i'll only be dust flowing with the wind, if I don't pucker up. Which i'm of course planning to do. Sometime...

Still, i'm a girl trying to live on my life, even though it's shitty. There's really no choice right?
But i will still hang on.