Refreshed

What a wonderful feeling. The dark shells that was blocking me has perished. Or at least one section of my problems. It feels good to be bonded. But my heart is still aching from the disappointments.. but they're at least better, and i'm glad. I hope that this will last forever, and i hope that i will dare to face the consequences that i will make for myself from now on. I just hope that everything will be pitchy now.

Changes..

The sadness is too strong. It's difficult not thinking about all the things that is occurring in my surroundings. I feel like i can cry floods for eternity.. Never have i felt so deplorable in my life. Changes really came fast. My closest family member and my best friend, is leaving me.. Thinking that everything's changed, just makes me so sad and unhappy. She is now very happy at this moment, with a person who is not me, experiencing everything we have left off since childhood. Not experiencing the first time with her.. just wouldn't be the same anymore. I am no longer the most important one, and i understand that..

I am sorry for being selfish once again. Maybe growing up really means that someday, your closest loved ones.. will leave you one day.

Corrupted world

I'm not certain anymore. Please take me to a spiritual world, o' mighty someone. Or the other side, if it exists. It would enlighten my soul. This corrupted world has turned me deranged. How did it become like this. Has my spirit weekend by the humans i hate?

I shouldn't say so. Not all humans are evil. Though those who has caught my eyes, has been. All those glares, staring upon me. Those whispers, and shouting has brought me to my knees. Running was the only choice i made for myself.. and still doing. I'm not looking for conflicts. That's one of the most disgusting things that ever exists. It's like a virus, spreading in the humanity. Like all the other occurring things that is also deeply carved in the humanity. Rightly to say; racism, boasting, greediness and selfishness etc. We are all informed that those systems, will never die. It's sad indeed, but what can we do. Even if there is other people who wants to make a change, the majority still wins..

For example, if you think back to the things they were before, how was the world then. It sure is won't be the same as it is now. If you look back thousands of years ago, weren't the world peaceful then? The animals that existed then, wouldn't have been gone today. It's sad that us people, are even considering about the fortune we make, by killing living things. It doesn't make sense to me. Or the World War that occurred years ago. What will we earn from killing other people? Is it really pride? Seriously... fuck pride.

All people of color has the same rights, and same values. And all livings thing is a part of us, animals and the beautiful nature, which others cannot see..is slowly dying. We shouldn't kill living things like monsters. We should just consider about how we can survive. Yes, killing animals is also a big necessity to us in order to survive...but we shouldn't do that because of greediness or fortune. The world is better of without it.

Hell

Hell will soon start again.. i'll be meeting lots of people which i ain't really seeing forward to. Well, time to pucker up. Will be counting days till my next holiday, which is in about... 6 weeks.

Even though everything's shitty, i still have my Disney movies to watch. I'm at that period right now. Don't ask.

Onto Mulan!

Disney review

Just seen Puss in Boots. I gotta say, it was a great movie. I didn't expect it to be that good. I love how they made the plot good this time. Usually the Disney movies nowadays has this, different atmosphere that is not as epic, compared to other Disney classics like Pocahontas, Mulan and The Little Mermaid etc. I'm usually not as fond in computer-animated Disney. I prefer old Disney classics like Pocahontas, which is my favorite Disney movie. I feel like they don't give out good messages from the Disney movies anymore. They only repeat them, constantly. But i do like computer-animated too, but not as much. I mean, i love Tangled a  lot.

Continuing: I love how they made Humpty Dumpty and Puss as partners, which is unexpected. Humpty as an egg, is different from Puss who's a cat, and in my opinion, it made the movie special because of that. But also because of the companionship, trust and humor they had in the film. But well y'know.. that's just my opinion. If you haven't seen this movie yet, you should watch it! 

Broken bonds

I can't help but feel worthless and melancholy. Worthless about how really puny i am in every situation. Meaning me"myself" is twisted. I detest my own self in the condition. Not daring to express herself, because of the consequences. 

Feeling viscous and hatred towards everything. I can no longer connect to those i love. Disappearing, is what i feel right now.

Melancholy of how everything's turned out. The ones i love has proceeded. Even though they may not yet seen it, or.. maybe they know. Two parts of me has gone away. Far, far away. Nothing is ever the same, and there is no similarity anymore.

She no longer recognizes me, and he is no longer here. She has a more important person to be with, and he has chosen another life for himself. Childhood memories are deeply carved in me, and it is now contained empty.

There is really just me in the end, and deeply in my heart.. i know that those times, will never come back.

Divulged feelings

Having plain-phobia.. this ain't good. The paranoia is overwhelming. I'm wishing for the best safety for my sister, who took off this morning to our homeland. The hot country, where the people is a bit different than us. Meaning, they have no longer clue, who we really are, or how we really are.

The plain journey is killing me, but i'm hoping for the best, and all safety i can think off. 

I will have to admit. Jealousy over her going home, is nerve-wrecking. I also, haven't been home in eleven years. 
Well.. guess you can't help it if your poor. It will have to wait.

At ease

Feeling unwell.. good to have comrades who's too cute, that makes all one's shitty problems go away. Sometimes, i do feel like a kid being taken care of her catsies, which ain't a bad feeling. Sometimes it's good to be the one being sympathized. Every guilt goes away by a single paw, and it feels like your at ease every time. Does that sound cliche?.. then be that as it may.

The sweetest creatures you will ever encounter

Tiresome day

The day started with me going to the doctor for a check up. If your wondering, it's about my shitty, bothersome stomach. This time i was gonna be sure to "properly" have it checked up. The former doctors i've had before totally sucked... The only things they said to me was, "unfortunately, you have a sensitive stomach, and there's nothing i can do about it". Well good for me to have a painful stomach for the rest of my life then. 
Just sayin'. It's a very stupid comment. They didn't even do tests..

But today, i got tested.. The doctor was very nice. His name was the most unusual swedish name i had ever heard. I can't remember his first name, but his surname was "Kyrling". His name kinda had some church'ness feeling to it. Just because it reflects from the swedish word "Kyrka", meaning church.

He gently talked to me about what was going on in my life, both physical and psychological. It was quite nice to talk some things out actually. At that moment, it felt good to talk to someone.

I had my blood pressure, and blood test taken. And seriously... NEVER in my life have i experienced so much blood coming out of me. The young lady from the lab took about, 8 tubes of blood from me. It was weird. She said that usually, 8 tubes of blood was nothing compared to when you donate blood. I was like oh.. okay then.

However, i did okay at the hospital. It was a nice visit. I will visit there again sometime soon. Then later on this day.. me and Billy had to help his mom to move out into another apartment. It was very tiresome. I had to clean her refrigerator and other things at the kitchen, then we carried a lot of stuffs. We ate dinner at about, 6 pm. Billy's mom ordered chinese food for four person, when there was actually seven of us. But the food was enough for us all. My stomach was so satisfied that i got stomach ache. Then i got this biggest headache, and i had to lie down, but i didn't.. cause' i wanted to help more. I also got this this pukey feeling that i always have, just that it was much more worse. The results after all the work was that my health got worse, and now i'm so deadly tired. Me and Billy are planning to sleep soon too. Presumably.. we'll be sleeping like a rock.

We have to recover our master strength! At least till tomorrow, then we must continue.... hell.  

Stupid people

I'm so fucking mad. It's hella lot it's scary. Why can't just people be reasonable ? No one ever thinks about their actions and how it affects others. And their taking their interests before important things. Like come on, excuses? Yeah right, they always come up with excuses. Sometimes the excuses may be understandable, but "just" unreasonable.

The point is, no one ever thinks about anyone, or anything besides themselves.

Why can't there ever be anyone who's considerate?

Talking clothes

Shit.. i gotta go shop. Since when did i last do that? ... oh right, it was a looong time ago. I don't even think that I've been in the outside world, meaning; (socializing world with a big crowdy people, rightly saying, shopping malls or shops..) for a very long time.  And my instict is telling me to go buy some new clothes and these ones, i gotta tell you, they just connect with me. 

I'm so very in love with these dresses;

Green dress with cats on it, yes... gotta have it!
And in case you didn't know, I totally love cat prints

This is just purely beautiful dress! A perfect summer outfit for any occasions, don't you think?

Nightmares..

I'll tell you guys something. Nightmares ain't fun. Having dreams about the world ending isn't really a positive sign. I've dream about it alot of times, wonder what's it's telling me?

Some says that it "does" mean that the world may be ending soon, but heck.. really? well hope not.

Maybe it's just me who's thinking about it. Like.. the thoughts are "deeply" engraved inside my brain. Maybe i kind of got traumatized by the 9 11 incident. Well that was really something.. that's something very serious that has happened in humanity.

Fuck the terrorists!..

The explosions was purely bizarre..

Peckish for food

Woah, i'm so untrained (and so hungry). I spend my mornin' with a walk to the store. I was gonna buy an ingredient to my cooking, but unfortunately it was closed. Then i started feeling heat going through my legs, haha. So untrained.

Waah, i'm peckish for this food! Sinigang is the best food ever. Billy agrees with me, right hun?

Dreary weeks

Dreary weeks it has been, indeed. Feeling swoony from the reflections of all the artificiell folk from my surroundings. 

Having flashbacks of ma' old days ain't really entertaining. Hell it has been. Falling to the depths of my depression, this has gone way too long. The neverending hell.. or so it feels.

Having teenage experience is one of the most disturbing and disgusting thing that all of us humans has to go through. It isn't really my ideal goal of saying, im growing- and well "that's just the way of life". Sure it is. But still .. disturbing and disgusting.

Three weeks of absence from school, now that's just wrong. Oh yeah what's wrong? that may be a question.

Well the answer is... stress, bullying experiences and of course. The so-called false and disgusting people. Now.. ordinary and no-problem folks will consider this such as.. a little problem. Well hecky good for them i'd say. It may be an easy problem yes. But only if you're strong enough. Well i'm just an old weakling and that's just the ultimate fact. I'm an isolated teenage girl with her boyfriend, who's only not nice but sweet as well, and he's the last and only person i'm intending to get help from. Now you may call me, a poor person. 

The depression is slowly taking over me. Soon, i'll only be dust flowing with the wind, if I don't pucker up. Which i'm of course planning to do. Sometime...

Still, i'm a girl trying to live on my life, even though it's shitty. There's really no choice right?
But i will still hang on.