Study, study and study

Yes! study it is! and a must. I've been missing a lot of my school subjects lately since i've been absent for too long so now i have to catch up. I have to admit.. it's quite fun. Never thought of it, that i would think it will be entertaining cause i've always been bitching about how much i hate school and stuff. Huh, ironic right? but right now, everything's quite okay, except for the fake ones in school though. My dislike for them will never shed away. 

On to my studies now! 

Dissappear..

How embarrasing... i want to die and to be perished from this world. Why do i always become like that ? destroying everyone's mood.. They've just arrived and i once again started acting like a lame shithead in front of everybody. Even though i promised to myself, that i would hold it in.
I hate myself and i just hate how i am. Why can't i ever change ? Why can't i ever stop being so melancholy and sensitive. It's just so darn heavy for me, being like this.

It just pained me seeing my father so thin, but still seems happy. Just thinking about me being there instead of that person only made it worse. I began shedding tears and it was so stupid. Why couldn't i be there at that moment.. everyone i love dearly is slowly drifting away. I'm so madly depressed that i want to disappear. Someone please, i can no longer take it... please make it go away..

Tired, sweaty and satisfied

30 min cardio today! 10 mins of buns workout, crunches, push-ups and weight lifting also. Wow, i'm so tired and sweaty. Doing that everyday feels soo great. Got headache after the morning workout though, ain't good. Maybe cause i only ate one bread for breakfast, but i'm trying to lose weight, so morning exercises is best for that! and better too if you don't eat so much.

Well, i shall rest now and drink my gainomax recovery, and then i'll go for a walk later and burn some more calories!

Some of that bellyfat will soon be gone!

Stronger

Wow! a new fresh start. Feeling a lot better at some point. Have been eating healthier and doing workouts. And to walk everyday is very fresh and it feels great. Hope that i will soon begin to tolerate the eff school. Going back ain't really entertaining, but what the heck. I should fight right ?

My goal this year and onwards, is to feel a lot better about myself, be stronger, healthier and reduce some weight since i gained some kilos.. nope, not good. But hell, it will be gone soon!

The not-fun part is that when i go back, there will be a lot of studies for me to catch up to. But i'll fix that too! I shouldn't think negatively all the time... i mean, people snickering and people staring just mean that their jealous and unbelievably immature right ? Then. Fuck them. I just hope that i'll manage to be stronger. Which i'm intending to be, and to do.

Today's calorie burn(walking): 325cal
Steps: 11717

Unwanted

Depression.. frustration.. taking over again. Feeling unwanted, and the no passionate love is beginning to occur. I'm probably selfish, but what should a girl do in this kind of situatuion. Sadness is the leader of my mind right now. Blocking every positive feelings.. And there i go again with the negative thoughts. I know.. i'm stupid and complicated. But to be honest, i never want to be in a relationship that will eventually, in our lifetime, be gone, or shrink in any way.. i  want to receive true, dedication and motive love from the other.. and i want it to forever maintain special. Yes. I am asking too much once again. There is no way such love exists. I'm probably  overreacting as usual. I should just let it flow.. and just go with whatever will happen. 

Muscle pain

Today's meeting went well. Just discussed a bit of my future, and how we will solve my situations. I gotta' say.. they still don't understand. But i understand their solutions, but i don't really see sense in them. But we shall see.. next meeting will be with my mom. After the meeting, i went home with Billy and made dinner, and then just relaxed. 

But i must say.. my whole body is sore. Wow. I can't barely move lol. Even though my body hurts as hell, i still did workouts, so i'm quite satisfied. I ate lots of fruits today, but i didn't really eat much food, which ain't good.. I ate Pyttipanna for breakfast, for you other countries that doesn't know what it is, it's a dish that consists potatoes, onions and any kind of meat or sausages and it's pan fried, usually served with egg and pickled diced beetroot and it's yummy good! 

Then i ate tacos for dinner, and i didn't even eat much of that either.  I ate only.. a half portion i think. I wasn't really that hungry today. 

Then i did a bit of cardio workouts, and buttocks and core workouts. And i must say, it feels very good! even though feeling lots of muscle pains ^^

Now, onto the bed and tomorrow's workout!

New cycle

What a good feeling, to once again start doing something to oneself. I trained, walked and jogged and did a workout. I gotta say, it feels very good. My body feels refreshed again. Earlier i felt like a fat bun, feeling sick about myself, not doing anything. But now, once again, i'm starting a new cycle. My goal is to be thinner and have a flat belly. Yes.. can you belive it.. i've gained weight for the past few months. Now i will melt it! and of course, i would like to stay in shape all the time too, and to have a good body condition. And to maybe, be happier.
My ears are still cold and my legs are kinda' sore, and i still have a bit of pain from yesterday from the workout. That will change in a moment.

Will be wonderful later when i go to bed, will be sleeping like a rock. Then tomorrow.. i will be going to the meeting.. ain't really looking forward to it. But what the heck.